a journal entry: May 22, 2022
I sit in my comfy chair right now writing this, as buckets of water and wind fall from the sky. God I am in awe of how beautiful your creation is and a little afraid as well. The power that is shown by the sheets of rain and the wind moving the trees is something to be feared and admired just like you.
Jesus I ask you to work in my heart. I ask you to not only work in my heart, but I am asking for friendship. I am so tired of asking people to love me Jesus. I want to be loved without having to ask.
I ask that this spiritual low disappears so I can witness to these children the way I know you want to. Deliver me from the feeling of being an imposter. Allow me to forget myself entirely, trading over everything that I am and how often I think about myself to your glory and how majestic you are. Jesus I long to be a vessel for you. To forget myself entirely because I am so focused on carrying out your will. I have all of these hopes and dreams that you have put on my heart and I'm supposed to have answers for everyone else as to how they're supposed to come true, but I don't have answers and I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to allow myself to be loved by them because I constantly feel like I have to earn their love.
Jesus you desire my heart. You desire all that I am and for some reason I'm afraid to give it to you. I'm afraid to surrender to you. And I pray for this ability so often, but I think now I'm fully convicted of this desire for surrender. I want you to radically transform me. I want to be made new in you.
Jesus, you calm my mind, you quiet the storm in my heart, you make me new. Jesus you know me before I even know myself. You place the words that I want to say before I say them. Jesus how radically you love me in all my brokenness, and Jesus if I can even just give a fraction of that love back to you ...
Jesus, all that I am is yours. All that I want to be is yours. I only hope you'll take me.
October 6, 2023
The Holy Spirit kisses me, Your hand extends, the Father smiles at me, my suffering has meaning. I rejoice in Your love. I trust in You, and I hope. I have been embracing daughterhood, and each trial on this earth has sent me running into Your arms.
“The place of God in my soul is blank. There is no God in me”
- Mother Theresa
Where are you? My Jesus I look for You
in the snow and the slush
in the mayhem and the quiet
You avoid me, and I You
scared of what I might see
afraid of what Thou might do?
Yes Lord, yes , I long to give to Thee
dismantle my soul
piece by piece.
I dance with Thee Lord
and this part, somber and slow.
My faults, Thou knowest, my days, Thou numbered.
Lonely, where are You? My Jesus I look to Thee.
Not in church, not in silence can I hear Thee.
Is it me? What more
could I do?
Is it You? What more
could You do?
Up and down my mind runs its paces
Sliding from scruples to fog.
Forsake me not, I cling to Thee
Thee alone do I want O Lord!
Body
Soul
and Divinity
02/09/2025